Inspirational quotes by Steven Wright.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.
Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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